I know my goal for the new year was to be positive, see the silver lining, be grateful, believe in unicorns and wishes made on stars coming true….. Okay, I’m in a bad mood and I’m not feeling too great. My mood is probably what is making me feel bad physically but I have MS and I’m allowed to blame anything on it that I want, especially feeling like crap. Well, not really but today I dare anyone to tell me differently! I am so tired of my insurance company telling me that I’ve exceeded my benefit limit and asking me if I want to talk with a pharmacist to find a more cost-friendly solution, you know, because there is one!?$!# I’m tired of people telling me that my Copaxone is toxic and is only there to line the pockets of “Big Pharma” and the doctors paid to prescribe it. I’m tired of hearing about the recent Gilenya death and how there are surly others that have been covered up. I’m tired of being told that I have a “leaky gut” and that my diet is what caused my MS and changing it is the only way I’ll ever feel better. I’m tired of giving myself a shot. I’m tired of always having a ten thousand dollar balance on my credit card because Copaxone is so freaking expensive. I’m tired of the term “Big Pharma”. Mostly, I’m tired of being tired. It’s exhausting to me to think about the fact there is no cure for MS and that it’s a progressive disease. I want Gilenya to be an option for me both physically and financially. I want the days of jabbing myself with a needle to be over. I want to be able to enjoy fried pickles and a beer without the voices in my head telling me that Dr. Swank and Ann Boroch say these are both taboo. I’m sorry to the two people who read this because who wants to read such crap?! I hope you both are having a better day than I am and I promise to be more upbeat, or informative or at least not so annoying. Maybe I need a nap…..
While whether to have MS or not is most definitely not a choice, there are numerous choices I do get to make everyday. I think MS leaves it’s sufferers feeling so vulnerable that anywhere we can find a sense of control is empowering. The trick, however, is to choose healthy choices obviously physically but also mentally. Having someone or something to blame for any part of this disease gives a sense of control because if someone or something is controlling it there is essentially that-some control. There is a fork in the road here and I feel like each direction is taken equally. The road I’ve taken is a trusting road. I trust that my MS environment is a good one and that all the people and things in it are here to honestly help me. The other road is jaded and an untrusting road. I can understand why people choose this road and why it’s there in the first place. The people on this road feel like money is all that drives the people and things on their road. If there’s a cure, people stop getting rich. Even keeping us well deplete their pockets. There’s even a new phrase that I believe stems from this road- “Big Pharma”. This is how people refer to the pharmaceutical industry in a bad way. There’s a consensus amongst a growing number of people who believe the pharmaceutical industry, doctors and the FDA are all in this scheme together to get rich off of our suffering. While I do think there are people in these groups that are only motivated by money, I believe that the vast majority are truly wanting to help and be a part of exciting changes. So, I choose not to be jaded and to get my hope and control from a place with good, honest intentions. My body has already let me down, but my heart hasn’t and it won’t be broken by choosing to walk along a dimly lit path.