Channeling Gilda

I wanted a perfect ending. Now I’ve learned, the hard way, that some poems don’t rhyme, and some stories don’t have a clear beginning, middle, and end. Life is about not knowing, having to change, taking the moment and making the best of it, without knowing what’s going to happen next. Delicious Ambiguity. – Gilda Radner

Again, my life has decided to accelerate way too fast around a sharp turn and I’m suspended in that turn feeling dizzy from its brutal form. I thought things were going to go differently and that I could finally exhale slowly and effortlessly in this part of my life. I thought this was a part that I could control, even if only part of it. I was wrong and have been utterly surprised by life. I guess, to be fair, it is people or I should say persons that have me shocked and shaking my head. There are people out there who, driven by their want for success and financial aspirations, will lie, cheat and steal to get what they want. I’m bouncing between disbelief and anger and these emotions have me spinning, suspended in a place I don’t like. I know I will land safely and, although I may want to throw up for a while, I will be okay….well at least I better be. I’ve chosen to take what I see as control and try to join a clinical trial. This turn I speak of includes a definite insurance hurdle that I’ve had to jump too many times already and is the most stressful part of my situation. I don’t have the energy to go through it again! If I can get into a trial, I will have my medication and medical care with my neurologist. I am tired of someone behind a desk controlling a big part of my fate with MS. I want to feel like I have some control in this ride and right now I don’t and I’m spinning. I don’t know if this will happen because there is criteria that may exclude me. I also know that my MS can change at any time. Today, I can walk unassisted and see clearly. Tomorrow, both can be gone. So today, at this moment, I am feeling in control and it is liberating. I will hold on to this feeling until it is ripped from my grip. Here’s to today and to now! Oh, and karma…..please let there be karma!